THE CHRONICLES OF MILOTH MAMA

Introduction to Narcissism

Narcissism is more than just vanity or self-admiration; it is a complex personality disorder that affects both the individual and those around them. The term “narcissism” comes from the Greek myth of Narcissus, a young man who fell in love with his own reflection.

In psychological terms, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is characterized by grandiosity, a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. Understanding NPD is crucial for those affected by a narcissistic mother, as it lays the foundation for healing.

My Background Story

One day it just struck me suddenly and I left my mother’s home and took up a flat nearby on rent. By that time I was already working and financially independent, so fortunately or unfortunately, I was at that stage where I could take the very first step (to understand, to accept, to heal and break the chain).

5 years back everything changed for me. A year before that I had secured a stable job, and got into a relationship thereafter. But, soon I came to understand that something was very wrong in my home, with my mother and that I was in a very wrong place. Lot’s of drama and a broken inner self propelled me to research about NPD. During COVID, I was the most alone and just emerging from a very dark place where I was comfortably nestled for 25 years. My father was mostly absent or an enabler (about which you will read ahead) and my brother was the golden child. During this time filled with void, online therapy from a qualified professional therapist, support groups on facebook and reddit brought me in touch with a vast community of strangers who were in a similar place, just like me!

The more I read about NPD, and Narcissistic Mothers and their distorted relationship with their daughters the more I felt validated and understood. This is just one of several more blogs on this relevant topic which will follow soon. Whatever I have read and understood during my initial research, I have tried to outline here in brief. So read ahead and follow up in comments.

Note: I am not a qualified professional therapist. All the information below are my own observations and published resources available in public domain are referred for better understanding. Always consult a qualified professional therapist and avoid self-diagnosing.

Clinical diagnosis of NPD

“Narcissism has more in common with self-hatred than with self-admiration” — Christopher Lasch

Clinical diagnosis of NPD includes traits such as:

1. Grandiose sense of self-importance: Exaggerating achievements and talents.
2. Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
3. Belief that they are special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people.
4. Need for excessive admiration.
5. Sense of entitlement: Unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment or automatic compliance with their expectations.
6. Interpersonally exploitative behavior: Taking advantage of others to achieve their own ends.
7. Lack of empathy: Unwillingness to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
8. Envy of others or belief that others are envious of them.
9. Arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.

Identifying a Narcissistic Mother

“Narcissists commonly cut people off and out of their lives due to their shallow emotional style of seeing others as either good or bad” — Shannon L. Alder

A narcissistic mother can have a profound and often damaging impact on her children, espcially her daughter. Identifying such behavior is the first step towards healing. Common signs include:

1. Emotional Manipulation: Using guilt, fear, or obligation to control the child.
2. Lack of Boundaries: Invasiveness in the child’s personal life.
3. Neglect of Emotional Needs: Prioritizing her own needs and feelings over those of her child.
4. Excessive Criticism or Praise: Criticizing the child to feel superior or excessively praising them to show off.
5. Conditional Love: Making the child feel loved only when they meet certain conditions or expectations.

Why Narcissistic Mothers Hate Their Daughters ?

Narcissistic mothers (NM) often engage in behaviors that displays as hatred toward their daughters because:

1. Competition and Jealousy: NM view their daughters as competition and develop feelings of jealousy.
2. Projection of Insecurities: NM project her own feelings of inadequacy onto her daughter, criticizing and belittling her.
3. Need for Control: NM have an intense need to control the daughter to maintain their sense of superiority /self-worth.
4. Lack of Empathy: NM are unable to connect with her daughter’s emotions and needs, resulting in cold and dismissive behavior.
5. Mirroring and Reflection: NM see their children as extensions of themselves. The daughter must reflect the mother’s desires, ambitions, or self-image.
6. Reinforcing Their Own Narrative: NM create narratives that portray themselves in a positive light and daughter negatively to preserve her self-image.
7. Emotional Manipulation: NM use emotional manipulation (guilt-tripping, shaming, or hostility) to maintain power and control.

Are Narcissistic Mothers Capable of Love?

No, Narcissistic Mothers are not capable of love. Their capacity of love is distorted. Narcissistic mothers exhibit only highly conditional love that is based on compliance. They see their children, as extensions of themselves. This means their “love” is frequently centered around their own needs, desires, and self-image. Sometimes, the love expressed by a narcissistic mother can be manipulative. This involves love-bombing (excessive affection) followed by withdrawal of love as a means of punishment or control. It is important to recognize these patterns and take steps towards healing and establishing healthier boundaries.

Understand Trauma Bonding and Emotional Incest

Trauma Bonding happens when a child forms a strong emotional attachment to an abusive or neglectful parent. This bond involves a pattern of abuse and occasional positive reinforcement, making it difficult for the child to acknowledge the abuse and break away. The inconsistent reinforcement creates a strong emotional bond, often causing the child to blame themselves for the parent’s behavior.

Emotional Incest occurs when a parent relies on their child to meet their emotional needs, treating them more like a partner than a child. This can result in confusion and unhealthy emotional dependencies, impeding the child’s emotional development and leading to feelings of inadequacy and guilt.

The Role of Father

The Enabling Father

An enabling father supports, excuses, or rationalizes the narcissistic mother’s behavior, contributing to dysfunction and emotional abuse within the family. The children feel abandoned, confused, and unsupported due to the father’s failure to protect them, leading to feelings of betrayal and a distorted perception of healthy relationships.

• Minimization of Abuse: The father downplays the severity of the mother’s actions, telling the children that she “means well” or “is just under a lot of stress.”
• Avoidance: He retreats emotionally or physically, leaving the children to navigate the mother’s abuse alone and avoids conflict.
• Alliance with the Narcissist: The father aligns with the mother to maintain peace, isolating the children and validating the mother’s abusive behavior.

The Absent Father

An absent father can either be physically absent (due to separation, divorce, or abandonment) or emotionally unavailable.

• Lack of Emotional Support: Without a father’s emotional support, children internalize the mother’s negative messages about their worth.
• Increased Vulnerability: The absence of a father figure can make children more vulnerable to the mother’s influence.
• Unresolved Issues: The lack of a paternal presence can leave children with unresolved feelings of abandonment and unworthiness, which can carry into their adult relationships.

Can Narcissistic Mothers Change ?

“The only way to win with a toxic person is not to play” — Anonymous

Narcissistic mothers can change, but the process is often challenging and requires significant commitment and self-awareness. For any change to occur, the narcissistic mother must first become aware of her behavior and its impact on her children. Professional therapy, Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), and other approaches can help narcissistic individuals recognize their patterns, develop empathy, and learn healthier ways of relating to others. While change is possible, it may not be complete or perfect, and requires a strong support system and genuine willingness to change.

How to Deal With a Narcissistic Mother: Steps to Heal

“Healing is not about changing who you are; it’s about changing your relationship to who you are” — Suzanne Heyn

1. Acknowledge the Pain: Healing begins with acknowledging the trauma caused by a narcissistic mother, recognizing the abuse, and realizing that you deserve better. Accepting the hurt and understanding it was not your fault is crucial for healing.

2. Educate Yourself: Understanding narcissism and its impact can help you make sense of your experiences. Reading about NPD can provide valuable insights and validation, empowering you to identify narcissistic behaviors and understand the dynamics of your relationship with your mother. (Refer resources below)

3. Set Boundaries: Setting clear boundaries is crucial in protecting yourself from harm, involving limiting contact or being explicit about what behavior you will no longer tolerate. Boundaries help you reclaim your personal space and establish control over your life.

4. Seek Professional Help: Seeking a therapist specializing in trauma and narcissistic abuse can provide guidance and support to heal, process emotions, develop healthy coping mechanisms, and rebuild self-esteem. The therapist can also assist in navigating complex emotions from dealing with a narcissistic parent.

5. Understand Trauma Bonding: Learning about trauma bonding can help you comprehend your strong attachment to your mother despite the abuse. Recognizing these patterns is the first step in breaking the bond. Therapy and support groups can provide strategies to disrupt the trauma bond and establish healthier relationships.

6. Practice Self-Compassion: Healing from narcissistic abuse requires self-compassion. Celebrate small victories and be patient with setbacks. Treat yourself with kindness and understanding.

7. Build a Support System: Support groups, either in-person or online, can also be a valuable resource. Sharing your experiences with others who have gone through similar situations can be validating and comforting.

8. Develop Healthy Relationships: Work on building healthy, reciprocal relationships. Healthy relationships involve clear communication, mutual support, and respect for each other’s boundaries.

9. Engage in Self-Care: Prioritize self-care activities that nurture your physical, emotional, and mental well-being, like exercise, meditation, hobbies, and spending time in nature.

10. Reclaim Your Identity: Growing up with a narcissistic mother can often lead to a loss of self-identity. Spend time exploring your interests, passions, and values to rediscover who you are outside of your mother’s influence.

Approaching a Therapist

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step” — Lao Tzu

Finding the right therapist is essential for healing. Look for professionals who specialize in trauma, narcissistic abuse, and family dynamics. Therapy and support groups are instrumental in breaking trauma bonds and processing feelings of confusion, guilt, and inadequacy due to emotional incest. Thus, helping to establish healthier relationships.

Conclusion

“Boundaries aren’t about keeping other people out, they’re about defining your own space” — Anonymous

Healing and Moving Forward

Healing from a narcissistic mother is a challenging journey, involving recognizing the abuse, establishing boundaries, seeking professional help, and building a supportive network. Understanding trauma bonding and emotional incest can help unravel complex emotional ties. It’s important to remember that healing takes time, patience, and self-compassion. For those who have grown up in these environments, healing involves acknowledging the abuse, seeking therapy, and setting healthy boundaries, while a support network of friends, family, or support groups can provide the needed validation and encouragement.

Resources

Books:

• Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl McBride
• Recovering from Narcissistic Mothers: A Daughter’s Guide by Brenda Stephens
• Narcissistic Mothers: How to Handle a Narcissistic Parent and Recover from CPTSD by Caroline Foster
• Daughter Detox: Recovering from an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life by Peg Streep
• Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up’s Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents by Nina W. Brown

Online Support Groups:

• Reddit: r/raisedbynarcissists
• PsychCentral Forums: Narcissistic Personality Disorder
• Help Within Reach: https://www.helpwithinreach.com/
  Founded by therapist Pamela Raphael, Help Within Reach offers a variety of narcissistic abuse support groups. The groups are conducted virtually and are open to anyone regardless of location.
• https://changewithinreach.com/support-groups/
• https://welldoing.org/article/surviving-your-me-me-me-mother
• National Domestic Violence Hotline: https://www.thehotline.org/
  This organization offers a hotline, textline, and online chat for those seeking support in unsafe relationships. They also have a tool on their website that can help you find resources, including support groups, in your area.
• I Believe Your Abuse: https://www.ibelieveyourabuse.com/recovery
  I Believe Your Abuse is an online guide to recovery from narcissistic abuse. They offer a directory of therapy and support group resources organized by state.
• https://themindclan.com/sharing_spaces/empowered-empaths-07092022/
• https://themindclan.com/sharing_spaces/
• https://rimpasarkar.com/2019/03/12/support-group/
• MyNARA – Narcissistic abuse recovery app
• https://www.facebook.com/share/7LUtRJYbGQEZ9v3Q/?mibextid=qi2Omg

Therapists:

• Jyotika Kapur (Contact: +91 7827382686)
• Mindconvo
• Psychology Today: Find a Therapist
• TherapyTribe: Find a Therapist

Note: I am not a qualified professional therapist. All the information above are my own observations and published resources available in public domain are referred for better understanding. Always consult a qualified professional therapist and avoid self-diagnosing.